30 iul. 2010


Fericirea, ca si frumusetea, se ascunde in privirea celui care o vede. Odata ce esti fericit, o exprimi. Nu stii de ce esti fericit. Nu poti sa descrii niciodata  fericirea pe care o simti sau motivul din spatele ei. 
Am petrecut 5 zile ascultand acelasi cantec care ma face sa ma simt fericita, cred. Vreau sa pot atinge cumva ceva fericire cand tristetea ma cuprinde, dar se pare ca fericirea are o vointa proprie si de aceea un program individual. Ma simt fericita acum, simt o mare bucurie in suflet. Imi e teama sa o arat, sa o simt cum trebuie. Imi e teama ca entuziasmul meu ar putea fi exagerat si fericirea la fel. Asa ca, in loc sa scriu despre ea, simt nevoia sa cantaresc. Fericirea este parte din mine. Iese la iveala din cand in cand depinzand de starea si spiritul meu. 


I remember that since I was just a kid I used to be afraid of butterflies. And then in school I had to make this sadistic thing of pining insects on a polistyrene board and present them to the teacher. That made me feel pitty for them. I couldn't do it. I thought it was inhumane and went ahead getting a bad grade at school. Then later on, few years later, I discovered the beautiful creatures pinned and sold in an African Art shop. I stared at the gift set box and wondered at the miracle of their conservation, the beautiful colors and realized that maybe it's not so bad to have something like that in your house.
Now, I feel butterflies in my stomach with the excitement of every little thing that happens around me and I am thinking of the poor creatures. We are using them to decorate our houses, to get better grades in school and to describe a beautiful thing such as excitement. Isn't it funny? And where are they left in nature? We keep missing seeing them for real, but keep referring to the dead animals. Kind of sad to see all this cruel thinking going on.

29 iul. 2010


Isn't it amazing this new fashion of packing things in boxes? I have just realized today that I could soon have everything all packed up in boxes and I still wouldn't have where to take them to. So, basically, I could throw out box by box or move out with all of them and all my things would be very well organized. But nobody seems to see the matter deeper. What will happen to the boxes afterwards, though? Suppose you move out tomorrow with all things packed. What do you do with the boxes? You put them back into flat shape and store them somewhere? That would mean you would be expecting to move soon elsewhere, wouldn't it? What would happen then? Wouldn't you live the rest of your life stuck in between boxes? Dependent on them in a way, because if you miss one box you are left with some important stuff behind and waiting for their next usage on the other hand. 

Cand creativitatea loveste dur

Cand a fost ultima data cand te-ai gandit la ceva si nu te puteai concentra asupra a nimic altceva? Iti spun pentru ca mi se intampla si mie acum. Este o intreaga poveste in capul meu si incerc sa ii dau de cap pentru a o expune pe hartie in cea mai buna forma. 
Simt si stiu ca simt si imi place ca simt. Este foarte greu sa renunt la toate lucrurile pe care le simt in interior. Asa ca voi asterne pe hartie. 
Am visat la un baiat care ar putea veni si sa ma ia de mana si sa imi spuna "Hai sa mergem!". Si am pleca si ... 
Mi-am ascuns capul in maini si am realizat ca acopeream exact fericirea pe care o simteam in inima mea, in stomach si nu ar trebui sa fie asa. Eram fericita pentru o clipa cand il vedeam in visul meu. Asa ca mi-am lasat mainile jos si mi-am lasat fata sa respire. Ii arat lumii fata mea fericita. De fapt ce mi-a facut el mie este ca m-a readus inapoi la viata si sunt fericita din acest motiv. 
Ma intreb in mod constant daca el se gandeste la mine si imi doresc ca el sa faca asta. 
Asa ca sper ca fluturasii mei din stomac vor ajunge si in stomacul lui. Si continui sa zambesc la gandul ca el ma face sa zmabesc doar spunand cateva lucruri pe care le are de spus. Este normal. Este cum mi-am imaginat eu ca trebuie sa fie. O numesc dragoste si cred foarte puternic ca are acest efect asupra oamenilor: ii face mai buni tot timpul. Sunt sigura ca asta trebuie sa facem din ce in ce mai bine. Este o binecuvantare sa vad zambetul lui in mintea mea si chiar daca nu pot sa il vizualizez clar, simplul lui zambet ma face sa tremur de emotie. 
Nu cred ca ne-am intalnit, as raspunde eu invitatiei lui. Si iata unde visul ar deveni realitate. Este impresionant cum te poti simti si cum poti idealiza ceva atat de frumos precum dragostea si totusi sa nu cunosti niciodata acel barbat perfect. Scriem despre asta si visam cu ochii deschisi si totusi pare ca nu il gasim niciodata. Sau il gasim?

26 iul. 2010

What dreams may come - intro

Motto: Wish is what makes us dream and dreams are the key to a long and prosperous life.

Take a look into my eyes, read my lips and touch my skin.
Then take my hand and let's run together into the world.
After a while let's just walk. 
And so our world will become the whole world.

23 iul. 2010

little nature

While waiting for the bus this morning a little birdie came next to me on the fense and started arguing with me. It seemed like she isn't afraid of me and has some important message to deliver. I am still trying to figure out what she was trying to say. She got scared soon by a hurried passerby and flew away. But she left me wondering at nature's beautyful moments we are missing out with every moment spent inside. So, I decided to walk to every destination I have to get to from now on. It seems like the most beautiful things in life come to you when walking.

22 iul. 2010

almost 3 km

After 5 years of going the same path for almost 3 km, I added some things, substracted some moments, multiplied some instances, divided the amounts and came up with a very sad conclusion.

It turns out I have waisted many resources to come to a big office full of energetic people every day. One minus and one plus so far. Lovely moments with bad energy from time to time when people would start to get very tired.

Then it turns out that, focused on the work I had to do, I somehow left behind the writing skills I have been gifted with. It results I have substracted my moment of possible glory to do the math.

Continuing down this line, I realized I have missed most important moments in my family's life while being away for work. So I had more than one instance of missing the family reunions, the happiness of one's celebration or the joy of wedding and baptism.

This lost is what made me see the big abyss in front of me.

Because I was always driving to and from work I had no time to let my bad energy get out of my body and in a very natural way, so I was always coming home with the negative energy. Therefore all my relations were in jeopardy because of it. I had no intention of getting out of the house, I was fighting with my family and friends, I was feeling lonely, I wanted to be left alone. So, all these mixed strange feelings were held inside. Instead of having a chance to let them out, I was driving them even further. Why? Cause driving around in my car I had no way to relax any muscle of my body, but it would get me faster from one point to another. But I, as human being, didn't need to go from point A to point B in less than 15 minutes. Honestly nobody is ever in a hurry for anything except when it's a matter of life and death. So, why is it that making commercials should be a matter of life and death when you come to realize you are only a salesman.

Moreover every day spent in the office would be a day facing the monitor and doing nothing but math. And therefore a big substraction from my health.

So, bottom line after adding, substracting, multiplying and dividing, is that I am somehow caught in this big mirracle of nonliving.

panic and anxiety

In the fast pace of today you could easily get carried away. It happens to most of us that caught in the rhythm of this alert town we come to hurry in everything we think and do. And panic and anxiety become our companions throughout the day. However not few are the moments when you could easily get used to the lazy way of doing things and realize it's better to dump the panic and anxiety. It was only the other day when I realized before going to bed that I have so many things to do that I could have spent all night figuring out plans how to do it more efficiently. And this morning, after getting up very early, I spent five more minutes in bed trying to find out which is the best way to do everything. Thinking and thinking got me more panic, so I decided to drop the thoughts and start my breakfast like every normal person. And while I was having my breakfast I realized it is much easier to think of things on a full stomach. So, the solution came to me: I didn't have to do all that and I didn't have to hurry anywhere. The bank could be dealt with through internet, the email could also be checked from home and I could enjoy the comfort of my home while working. And so the panic and anxiety are now trying to catch up with me about 2 km away. I won't let them catch me, I'll change my course abruptly and let them run astray.

social ranking

I just realized today that after the revolution in 1989 Romanians have felt a deep unbalance in their society's ranking and due to major social changes their expectations changed. I remember that when I was in high-school not everybody had a mobile phone. So, if a boy would have one, he would be perceived as a wealthy boy. While in our days no one in their right mind would judge or should judge a person based on it's mobile phone. That is because no matter how poor you are you can definitely afford an expensive phone. Also, the next thing was the car. First it was owning a car, now it's the type of car. And funny enough girls find it socially high hierarchy if it's a big car. However if you look at technical specs you are definitely going to find out it's not really a great car. So, I am not talking about superficial judgement, but rather about social ranking based on superficial property. And, the more you think about it, the more you will realize, we have definitely lost our sense of social ranking, which I don't know if it was ever good enough. I must say it's incredible to see this society go from a totally equal to an unbalanced one with major disproportion between social hierarchy. It's not a hierarchy based on true classification, but rather an interpretation of one's or other's tastes and opinions. In other words social ranking today depends on superficial judgement. 

20 iul. 2010

The Flood

When was the last time you haven't realized that rain will come and stood there watching the dark cloud come over? And then when you felt the rain pouring to realize there is no reason in the world to move out of it? It happened to me only last week and I still feel the cold water falling down and washing gently my feet. I felt helpless and realized soon that any intention to fight it would lead to my devoured efforts and to her satisfaction. So, I left the flood do its thing and minded my own thoughts in the mean time. Now, I am going through a similar situation and, having learned all the bliss you feel after the flood passes, I try to apply the lesson learned to the present situation. And since I cannot walk out of my home at this hour and head nowhere to clear my thoughts, I must close my eyes and imagine myself walking in a beautiful place and feeling the fresh air refill my tired brain. I feel the exhaustion coming over me. I want to get over it, but I need a break from all the madness and maddening mistakes of one or two fools. And closing my eyes, I feel the cold flood coming over, making my whole body tremble and washing away all worries. In front of nature's angry hands you can only bring above your natural survival instincts. And that way is the only way to forget the stupid things one or two say or do throughout an ordinary day. 

200 m further

You go around the globe and travel for business, fun or studies and at some point you have to do your laundry. However in the Christian Orthodox religion we have these rules from God which say that you are not to wash clothes or iron in some days when God rests. Funny enough our whole organisation of society is based on those resting days, so you can never do your laundry unless you skip school or work. So, I suggest you don't take with you the orthodox calendar to be hanged in the kitchen or bathroom and you do your laundry whenever you feel it's necessary. Therefore, God will see you couldn't have known and he will forgive you because it is clearly a rule from mankind and not from him since it doesn't come from instinct. Afterall we all feel the need to relax on a day off, just like him. And unlike him the day off is something you don't decide by yourself, but rather something someone else will decide for you. To be more precise, I am referring to the boss, of course.

19 iul. 2010

200m of storytelling

If you walk 200m up and down the same street you can feel the energy that lies there. You can even understand what's going on there. And you could end all this feeling process with the fine gesture of a dog's wet nose who smells your feet in a pet shop on the way home. It's funny how for someone who would need a lot of courage to let a dog come close to her again after being bit by one long time ago it's a real unique and shocking event. And now I was feeling the wet tongue of a poodle on my thumb. I thought for a moment my heart was going to jump, but when I got scared he looked up at me with a funny friendly face. This is when I realized that I could walk 200 km and I would still be scared of my fears, but facing them could be even closer than I can imagine. Facing my fears is a very important step.


Raluk s-a urcat intr-un autobuz si a realizat foarte curand ca niste tigani hoti o urmareau, asa ca a coborat din autobuz la prima statie de autobuz si a incercat sa ia o ruta alternativa, dar aparent ploaia scosese din casa toti tiganii dornici de a face rost cu usurinta de niste bani ... a mers intr-un pas rapid si a scapat de haitele de tigani... acum are 2 km de povesti de spus.


18 iul. 2010

singuratate intr-un oras aglomerat

Sunt constienta de faptul ca imi este cel mai frica de singuratate. Imi este teama ca intr-o zi ma voi trezi si toata aceasta agitatie a orasului o sa devina tacere si atunci o sa ma trezesc singura. Doar eu si gandurile mele. Si mai grav este ca atunci imi voi dori sa traiesc intens momentele de interactiune cu toata aceasta lume pe care acum nu le traiesc cum ar trebui. Este un pic paradoxal. Desi imi e teama sa raman singura, ajung sa nu interactionez cu lumea de frica sa nu stric ceva in relatia mea cu ei. Este absurd. Imi doresc sa traiesc, dar nu traiesc. Intr-o zi o sa ma trezesc regretand varsta la care am ajuns si la care m-am incapatanat sa ajung fara sa fac ceva pentru mine sau pentru sufletul meu. Si analizand mai atent imi dau seama ca imi doresc liniste, dar impreuna cu familia, imi doresc o liniste impreuna cu niste oameni pe care ii cunosc si pe care ii vreau mereu alaturi de mine oriunde as fi. Si astfel imi dau seama ca as putea numi aceasta fobie un efect al orasului aglomerat si periculos pe care il am in jurul meu.

17 iul. 2010


Dupa doua zile in care privesc la televizor stiri si discutii continue despre sinuciderea unei vedete nationale, pot spune ca ma pasc si pe mine gandurile suicidale. Desi nu cred ca este o scapare din viata sau ca asa ar trebui sa se intample sunt convinsa ca indoctrinarea functioneaza. Si mai grav decat efectul Werther neintentionat de Goethe este efectul televiziunii. Tinere urmaresc si se ghideaza dupa ce se intampla la televizor. In contextul actual moartea poate fi o scapare din grijile si problemele actuale. Tocmai de aceea cred ca si in contextul mortii unui comis voiajor sinuciderea nu este buna. Iar vorbaria care se petrece de la aflarea vestii incoace este inutila si cu efecte secundare grave audientelor ridicate.

12 iul. 2010

oboseala naste monstri

Pana nu demult obisnuiam sa cred ca atunci cand sunt foarte obosita pot crea prin scriitura lucruri frumoase. Acum consider ca am nevoie de ceva mai mult timp liber pentru a scrie daca imi vine ceva in minte. Imi place foarte tare sa scriu, dar atunci cand sunt obosita incerc sa leg povestile intre ele si sa fac ceva frumos. Insa la capatul oboselii se afla monstrii. Si ei se manifesta prin paranoia, panica sau anxietate. Toate acestea contribuie la nasterea unor povesti frumoase rupte de starea si contextul creatiei.

9 iul. 2010

the dog and his pillow - cainele si perna lui

You cannot avoid such a beautiful image as a dog and his pillow made out of his twisted paw. And you cannot go on without a smile appearing big on your face. That is why I believe a country where you can find dogs on the street, where you get the chance to see such pictures, it gives you the chance to start the day in a beautiful way and to be able to spend the whole madness in the office with less stress. And that is because an impressive image such as this cannot start anything but butterflies in your stomach and to make you love more the world surrounding you. So I wish even more to see something beautiful every day. And maybe without even realising deep down my soul I wish to live still here. 
Nu poti evita o imagine induiosatoare precum un caine si perna lui formata dintr-o labuta incovoiata. Si nu poti trece mai departe fara sa zambesti. De aceea consider ca o tara in care gasesti caini pe strada cu aceste gesturi iti ofera o sansa sa incepi ziua frumos si sa poti petrece toata nebunia de la birou cu mai putin stres. Si asta pentru ca o imagine impresionanta ca asta nu poate decat sa iti starneasca fluturi in stomac si sa te faca sa iubesti mai mult universul care te inconjoara. Astfel ca imi doresc tot mai mult sa vad in fiecare zi ceva frumos. Si poate ca fara sa imi dau seama in adancul sufletului meu imi doresc sa traiesc tot aici. 

3 iul. 2010

organizarea pamanteana

Poate parea rupt dintr-un roman science fiction titlul scrierii, dar de fapt este o realitate. Avem o organizare care nu mai functioneaza. Nu pot sa gasesc vinovati. Totusi voi analiza o realitate pe care o vad si de care sunt uimita ca persista. 
Am ajuns in stadiul in care suntem acum pentru ca am produs haotic mai mult decat puteam cumpara. Adica matematic vorbind daca noi suntem 6 miliarde de oameni, dar in fiecare zi pe planeta se produce un numar de 3 miliarde de masini inseamna ca in doua zile fiecare dintre noi (copil sau batran sau om in floarea varstei) va avea o masina. Deci urmatoarea zi (a treia) ar trebui sa se produca in fabrica aceea altceva. Nu stim inca ce. Si nu am gasit un raspuns. Asa ca momentan o bagam in somaj tehnic sau reducem personal. 

Pentru ca se producea mai mult decat se cumpara in tarile supradezvoltate s-au cautat noi piete. Si o buna perioada de timp toata economia marilor puteri economice s-a bazat pe noile piete aflate in fostul bloc comunist. Pentru ca acestea aveau 50 de ani de frustrare in spate acestea consumau acum mai mult decat ei. Reduceau astfel deficitul. Asa ca au acoperit o buna perioada de timp si a treia zi ale fabricilor de tigari, role, tenisi, detergenti, lopeti etc. Dar a venit a patra zi si saturarea pietelor comuniste. 

Dar deja marile puteri au deschis fabrici in fostele tari comuniste. Asa ca acum productia s-a marit si mai mult. Dar aici intervine problema. Noi tot atatia suntem. Ba mai mult din cauza schimbarilor astora masive sociale, culturale sau naturale au mai murit unii altii, deci acum aveau si mai putini consumatori. Si totusi am continuat sa producem.

Era mai mult decat evident ca declinul avea sa apara. Problema este ca acum te-ai gandi ca omul s-ar gandi sa reorganizeze lumea. Dar nu. Americanul s-a gandit sa faca bani si de pe urma reducerilor de personal. Asa ca acum poti angaja o firma care sa iti anunte personalul ca faci restructurari si ai decis sa renunti la niste angajati. Adica nu mai ai bani sa ii platesti in viitorul apropiat dar vrei sa platesti cu multi bani ca un om sa vina sa iti faca treaba. 

Deci nu o sa mai avem ce face cu lumea intr-o suta de ani daca nu vine cineva sa ne cumpere. Sau poate ca s-au gandit unii la o alta solutie de a acoperi supraproductia. Nu sunt clarvazatoare, dar sunt foarte rabdatoare si curioasa.